Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
You Might Also Like
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.