Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
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Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.