Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
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No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated