ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
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“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
#gardening
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.