Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
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year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
*sewing*
A thread
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?