Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
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And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.