Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
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The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
Webb. James Webb.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??