Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
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Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
how much for the angry fruit?
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*