ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
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[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
called in thicc to work this morning
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.