ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
You Might Also Like
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
I only treason on days ending in y
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Breakfast for Stoners:
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.