Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
You Might Also Like
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears