ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
You Might Also Like
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.