ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
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Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
🤣dope
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.