Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
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Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms