*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
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My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
Don’t tell me what to do
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Check your privilege
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.