me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
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She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*