Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
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Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
smartest karate player in the world
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .