Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
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I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.