Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
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my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Current mood: Potato
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
Me :
All Day At Night
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.