If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
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Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.