Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
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Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
Basically.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
And that about sums it up.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking