Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
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Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.