Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
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Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
so weird how every mom was born today
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?