Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
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[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner