Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
You Might Also Like
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.