Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
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It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
Follow me for more life hacks.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand