Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
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If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”