Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
You Might Also Like
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
s
oc
i
a
l
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.