Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
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Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.