there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
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Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
Don’t frighten the programmers!
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Finally!
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.