Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
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Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Thursday Thought.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well