ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
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My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
🤣🤣🤣
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
this will hang in the louvre one day
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
12. I think about this all the damn time
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later