*pokes sex life with a stick
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if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.