[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
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Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap