[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
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MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
No regrets in 2018
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
wow he looks just like him
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.