shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
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Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Erm…
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.