this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
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Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
Print is alive and well!!!
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?