My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
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WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!