*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
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A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
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If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”