Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
You Might Also Like
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here