Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
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“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.