Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
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Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.