me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
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BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
I pray every night that I never become religious…
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.