ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
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alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other