[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
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ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.