Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
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I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
paddle faster i hear baby shark
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.