Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
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What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
This is true.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Happy Star Wars day!
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
i think both sides are to blame here
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes