me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
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Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Sometimes Iām out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
When youāre friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Momš·: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
Weāve come full circle
Thereās only one good girl here!
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus beforeā¦
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Iām getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
š¤£
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But Iām not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now Iām gonna take a nap