Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
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And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single