Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
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Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
What the hell happened in there??
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.